[you make me want to try]

its weird.. you know.. falling in love. it gives you an enormous sense of hope, like for once in your life you actually believe that you can achieve this feat and you start thinking of things to make it work. it makes you want to do things you've spent years convincing yourself you don't have to do, to get a guy. it makes you push aside your principles and what not just so you can at least have a day where he's all yours. it makes you reject all other beings of the opposite sex, just because you do not want to and/or cannot imagine yourself with anyone else. it makes you smile insanely at random times just because something reminds you of his antics or just his smile or imagining how he'd react in such a situation. when you start wrecking your brain for ways to be different, to make an impression, so he'd notice/remember you. when you can actually feel your heart being massaged and soothed when you hear his voice. when your raging sexual appetite suddenly dwindles when you even think of touching someone else's hand. when you start comparing, and looking for him in other guys or things. when you suddenly feel that the way you dress is unbecoming of you and that you should change, asking your friends randomly how you'd look if you wore this or that. when you suddenly think that those pair of sneakers you've been aiming should just be replaced with heels because he'd love them. when your gluttony for food diminishes, and you feel a need to exercise so your legs would look better and your tummy won't be protruding. when it absolutely KILLS you when he looks and/or talk to another woman, thinking she'd take him away from you. when you go to romantic places and you start wondering how it'll feel to come here with him, what we'd do and what we'd talk about. when he is always in your heart, no matter what you do. when you look into every little thing and convince yourself its a sign that you and him are meant to be. when you start to look into your inadequacies in the kitchen and want to learn how to cook so that your future mother in law wouldn't think you're a totally useless girl and undeserving of her only son which she probably dotes on. when you start staring at kids longingly, wondering how it'd be to have one with him, how the kid will look and how you'd both handle the responsibility. when you suddenly feel the urge to tell your elders that he's your boyfriend and that you'll make him an honest man someday. when you start wondering how it'd be like to face his mother and sister, whether they'd accept you. when you start thinking whether you're strong enough to guide him religiously if it became serious and if he'd embrace your religion, whether his family would object. when you wonder if he'd throw away his love for drinking just for you, and you'd let him continue smoking because you feel guilty. when you consider throwing your life away just to wait for him. when you don't know why you feel this way and yet at the same time you do and you hate yourself for it but you wouldn't want it any other way.

All the while, knowing that you probably don't stand a chance with him. That he probably won't look twice at you, because no matter how they'd deny it, outer beauty is what people look at first. If you don't look good, there is absolutely no point in giving you a chance, unless you miraculously find a way to make an impression on him among millions. That he'd be better off with another, better looking girl who'd understand him completely, that he'd love looking at every single day of his life, that his mother would be proud to have as a daughter in law, and who won't restrain him with her religion.That you'll be beyond crushed when it comes down to it. That your already crumbling sense of faith in relationships and marriages, will disintegrate forever. That because of all these you should just slap yourself, face reality and live your useless life until its time to die and finally your suffering will all be gone.

There are days when i feel so confident, happy and full of hope like what i mentioned in the first paragraph. Then there are days where i'd feel like shit and the second paragraphs haunt me. but then something that's related to him will unexpectedly pop up or i start sneezing for no reason or best of all, i dream of him. that's when i'll think "God is giving me a sign, he's not giving up on me. i shouldn't give up. at least not yet. i have as much of a chance as anyone else. for all i know, he'd love me."

you know when i thought about writing this entry, i only wanted to write a few lines and it'll be all inspirational and end with "Love makes me want to try. No, YOU, make me want to try." But i kinda can't fit that line anywhere now since my brain starts twisting and turning every sentence, and i end up writing more than i intended to. heh. whatever. it comes in handy during compositions or essays.

oh btw did i tell you that i got 1st in korean class again?! no? poor thing. yeah i got a mug this time. it was a towel last time. son saeng nim loves me, i know it. she's sick of me answering all the questions in class though. whatever. nobody is going to answer you if i don't, you silly bird. going to pester dad to pay for my advanced class. i'm going all the way this time. as TOP would say "can't stop this".

so i'll end here and i hope to post more actual entries instead of lyrics or some other trivial things which i like. i usually just use twitter since its fast and convenient. and when i really want it dirty and private, i go for me2day. but i promise to post more. for now, its 5.40am and i have to wake up at 9am to get ready for a birthday surprise for this ahjumma. gosh. what is my life. its all good though. she just broke up with her boyfriend after 5 years, the least i could do to make her happy is to sacrifice my sleep. i'm happy when i can make someone happy. and please laugh when i make a joke. i consider it a personal insult if you don't laugh. like seriously. k dah bye.