[why do i love you?]
before i start anything i just wanted to say the temp staffs at ICA have all gone awol (including me). the situation in the tracer room is out of control. the only reason i'm regretting not coming is cos of you. but then i think i should avoid people who are unavailable. oh latest update: one of the new temps who just came in yesterday was found to be pregnant and just got terminated. this day just gets better.
It has come to a point where my happiness at work is solely dependent on your presence. More accurately, dependent on whether you appear within my line of sight. So that means, I'll still be emo as fuck if you're at perso, lionheart, or info (if i'm not doing kiosk). I know its not good to depend so much on someone or something but I have not found a replacement worth my attention.
I guess I have been getting it easy, what with your previous disagreement with sarah and all. I thought that we're finally making progress. You've been smiling alot at me and we're kinda making small talks. But I was wrong. I know your previous good relationship with Sarah would some day bite me in the ass. When I first started, I thought my goal was to get you two back to being friends. If you could even call that friendship. It was definitely more than that and everybody knew it except maybe Sarah. Maybe she knows but she was just in denial and tried hard to distract herself. Maybe she didn't completely distract yourself considering how hung up she is over you. It was easier to ignore and dismiss this when I didn't know you, when I was still in love with CSH or Jae for that matter.
You and Sarah suddenly got in good terms and I am ashamed to say, I wasn't all too pleased. On the surface I was, the great actress that I am. But deep down where noone can hear me, baby I'd be crying for you. Okay that was a song. But inside, it kills me. I always told sarah I know how she felt and trust me, I do. I used to encourage her to talk to me about you. Because lets face it. Things like these are difficult to comprehend and accept. We have to have some sort of medium for us to let out our feelings. On top of that, if we're going to talk to a friend, its best if the friend knows how we feel, what we're going through and the worries that come with it, without being judgmental in the least.
I was that person. At least until I fell for you. Or at least I think I like you. A lot. I think of you every minute of every day. Your smile, your laugh, the things you say to me, how you tease me and things we've been through at work (more accurately at kiosk/info). I don't know if I fall for people easily but I've always thought I'd want my potential love interest to be friends with me first before anything. But I do know that I don't fall out of love easily and its going to take a really long time especially if that person is a person that I see everyday, that I work with day in and day out.
I've been close to giving up. Or rather told myself countless times that I should but every time I do, you'd do things that fuel my interest in you. and that could be a wide variety of things. Its hard. To always feel my heart drop when I see girls swarming all over you, when I can't come near you. Especially hard knowing you're so close to my friend, so close you could be an item. But I catch my heart before it manages to hit the floor and break into a million pieces because I'd convince myself that you don't know my feelings, so you don't know. Another thing about me. Once I like someone, I'd try to convince myself with reasons why I should continue liking them. I've read about these symptoms and what they're called. Scientists and doctors are trying to classify them as mental problems. But I don't think they'll succeed only because millions of people suffer from it. Pfft. Anyways, its even harder now that you're back as friends with Sarah. As I've heard, you two like to go on long walks together and you've revealed stuff to her that you probably won't tell anyone else. I've also heard from Sarah that you've asked her out for a walk soon (after today, i just asked sarah to go for that walk with you). I know Sarah misses you and you obviously miss her, so I'm just going to keep quiet and pretend I don't know. Pretend my heart doesn't feel like smashing into little pieces. Pretend everything is okay. Just like I've done my whole life.
Love has never been good to me and I doubt its going to get any better. But live goes on. From now on, I'll just go with the flow. I'll learn not to expect too much, not to read too much into things and just be boring old me and expect someone to miraculously see something to like in me. I hope I'll get through this without being substantially damaged. I cannot wait for the Seoul trip. But for now, I still miss you and I thank God I'm not at work today. Will wait for Clovis's live reports about the chaos at work. Cheerios.
PS: I am addicted to apple chips and I want to go eat at Carousel.
It has come to a point where my happiness at work is solely dependent on your presence. More accurately, dependent on whether you appear within my line of sight. So that means, I'll still be emo as fuck if you're at perso, lionheart, or info (if i'm not doing kiosk). I know its not good to depend so much on someone or something but I have not found a replacement worth my attention.
I guess I have been getting it easy, what with your previous disagreement with sarah and all. I thought that we're finally making progress. You've been smiling alot at me and we're kinda making small talks. But I was wrong. I know your previous good relationship with Sarah would some day bite me in the ass. When I first started, I thought my goal was to get you two back to being friends. If you could even call that friendship. It was definitely more than that and everybody knew it except maybe Sarah. Maybe she knows but she was just in denial and tried hard to distract herself. Maybe she didn't completely distract yourself considering how hung up she is over you. It was easier to ignore and dismiss this when I didn't know you, when I was still in love with CSH or Jae for that matter.
You and Sarah suddenly got in good terms and I am ashamed to say, I wasn't all too pleased. On the surface I was, the great actress that I am. But deep down where noone can hear me, baby I'd be crying for you. Okay that was a song. But inside, it kills me. I always told sarah I know how she felt and trust me, I do. I used to encourage her to talk to me about you. Because lets face it. Things like these are difficult to comprehend and accept. We have to have some sort of medium for us to let out our feelings. On top of that, if we're going to talk to a friend, its best if the friend knows how we feel, what we're going through and the worries that come with it, without being judgmental in the least.
I was that person. At least until I fell for you. Or at least I think I like you. A lot. I think of you every minute of every day. Your smile, your laugh, the things you say to me, how you tease me and things we've been through at work (more accurately at kiosk/info). I don't know if I fall for people easily but I've always thought I'd want my potential love interest to be friends with me first before anything. But I do know that I don't fall out of love easily and its going to take a really long time especially if that person is a person that I see everyday, that I work with day in and day out.
I've been close to giving up. Or rather told myself countless times that I should but every time I do, you'd do things that fuel my interest in you. and that could be a wide variety of things. Its hard. To always feel my heart drop when I see girls swarming all over you, when I can't come near you. Especially hard knowing you're so close to my friend, so close you could be an item. But I catch my heart before it manages to hit the floor and break into a million pieces because I'd convince myself that you don't know my feelings, so you don't know. Another thing about me. Once I like someone, I'd try to convince myself with reasons why I should continue liking them. I've read about these symptoms and what they're called. Scientists and doctors are trying to classify them as mental problems. But I don't think they'll succeed only because millions of people suffer from it. Pfft. Anyways, its even harder now that you're back as friends with Sarah. As I've heard, you two like to go on long walks together and you've revealed stuff to her that you probably won't tell anyone else. I've also heard from Sarah that you've asked her out for a walk soon (after today, i just asked sarah to go for that walk with you). I know Sarah misses you and you obviously miss her, so I'm just going to keep quiet and pretend I don't know. Pretend my heart doesn't feel like smashing into little pieces. Pretend everything is okay. Just like I've done my whole life.
Love has never been good to me and I doubt its going to get any better. But live goes on. From now on, I'll just go with the flow. I'll learn not to expect too much, not to read too much into things and just be boring old me and expect someone to miraculously see something to like in me. I hope I'll get through this without being substantially damaged. I cannot wait for the Seoul trip. But for now, I still miss you and I thank God I'm not at work today. Will wait for Clovis's live reports about the chaos at work. Cheerios.
PS: I am addicted to apple chips and I want to go eat at Carousel.
posted by shikin at 11:40 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home