[고백]

I'm dead tired and my feet are swollen but i'm typing this out even if it kills me.

I did a bad thing today. I was a stubborn bitch and I do admit I have issues(I know it but it hurt like hell when you said it) but its only because of conflicting feelings. You don't know how I wish you were someone I could actually have. I'm actually tired of this back and forth thing and I know you are too. I don't know why we can't just be normal friends. Maybe its me. I'm working on it.

Yesterday was my first day of work and though it went okay, I was mentally and physically drained. I wanted someone to talk to. You stopped replying halfway and I guess I was left hanging. Maybe you got tired of me always disturbing you. I got frustrated. I guess I just wanted you to miss me. Sure you can say I never said it back to you. But its only because I promised myself I wouldn't. Because of all those times I said it to you and you never said it back. Remember yesterday when I texted you some korean words. I said 엄마 보고싶어요! ㅋㅋㅋ! I did call you mommy and the inverted fs were kekeke. But I never told you the whole meaning. It meant mommy, I miss you. I convinced myself that since you don't know the meaning and probably won't bother translating it yourself, it won't be counted as me telling you. Oh well.

You probably won't be reading this. But if you did, you'd probably confront me through text about it and then blow me off again, like you always do. But I'd go through it all again, just so you know that I care about you. That I always did and I always will. Maybe I just wanted you to realise my worth. I always had blind faith in you.

I'm sorry this had to happen before you went to the US. I guess now you'll be even happier that you're leaving. I understand if you won't be contacting me during that period. I probably deserve that much at least. Oh and the morning texts as well. I've always loved them. Guess I should forget about them from now on. In case we don't talk to each other between now and 2nd June, I hope you'll enjoy your trip, forget about all your troubles, don't be too reckless, take care and take and post pictures somewhere I can see so that I'll always know that you're safe.

I could go on and on, but it'll probably disgust the fuck outta you and it'll put us in a more awkward situation than we're already in. I realised I'm always the cause of it. I should just shut up from now on. We could be living such blissful lives right now. But the thought of "what if" would've eaten me alive. Sigh okay. I know you said to drop it but my mind could never be at ease and every word you said was like a stab to the heart. I just had to.

Once again, I am sorry. I have never apologised so many times in my life. I guess this is what my friend said when she told me about throwing away your pride when you care for someone. It wasn't you. It was me. I admit it and I take all responsibility. I never once took you for a fool and you actually saying that I do, killed me. I have issues and I shall resolve it to the best of my abilities. Please don't tell me you don't want to be the reason for bla bla bla because I'd fucking ask you to shut up because I'd go through all that again just to have you in my life. And you asking me not to be silly cos what? I wanted to kneel down and beg for forgiveness? Eventhough it doesn't seem like it, I never want you to think I take you for granted. I always try to reply to texts asap and I feel stupid for doing that because I'll seem too eager when you're all cool but I always want you to know that you mean alot to me and although I think you still don't, I'll always remind you.

Okay dah. I've said what I needed to say. Tsk. I don't know WHY I always complicate things for myself. Its fortunate that I'm not in a relationship. Maybe I could learn something from this. I'll go pray and ngaji so that my heart will cool down and I'll feel better. Let's just leave it to Him to make things better. Right now, my whole body feels warm, my eyes can't focus, my feet are swollen and my fungus is digging an even deeper hole in my foot. I really hope I'll fall straight asleep and that my mind won't go into overdrive. BTW TOMORROW GOT WORK HOR! NO SUCH THING AS WEEKENDS. 0745 have to report. FML. So awesome. I'll be distracted till 1pm or till whatever God forsaken time they'll ask us to stay. Word is tomorrow is going to be a really really busy day. I still have to figure out when to schedule my ngaji. Gosh. Oh and apparently I'm going to Rain's concert. Last minute thing. I don't even know what to tell my mother. She'll kill me. Shit.

[perfect suit colour combi]

light blue jacket, pink shirt, white tie and pants. plus white shoes. my perfect suit colour combination has finally been realised. not fancying the patterns but its probably the closest i'll get to ever seeing anyone pull this off. HJB I LOVE YOU! I wish i could go see you but i think i'm probably going to have to pass. I haven't got the money. and... suddenly i'm losing all hope. k fine. not having a good morning ah. i probably just need sleep. morning/night people!

[kim hyung jun - heaven =')]

Kim Hyung Jun - Heaven

떠나지 않겠다고 했던 말 날 좋은 사람이라 했던 말
널 볼 수 있는 걸로 행복해 You know you are special to me
이러는 내 모습이 어색해 아무 꾸밈없는 너에 수수한 모습도
매 순간순간 네가 걱정돼 지금이 순간 까지도

You are the only one for me baby 내겐 너 하나뿐인걸
내게 넌 특별한걸 아는지 모르는지 묻고 싶지만
You are the only one for me baby 오직 너 하나뿐인걸
오늘도 너에 뒤에 서있어 난 언제나 미소 지으며

밥은 잘 챙겨먹고 있는지 어디서 무얼 하고 있는지
매일 또 매일 난 널 생각해 I know you are special to me
널 멀리 보내기가 두려워 네 곁에 있는 걸로 충분해
항상 널 지켜보고 있을게 내게 기댈 수 있게

You are the only one for me baby 내겐 너 하나뿐인걸
내게 넌 특별한걸 아는지 모르는지 묻고 싶지만
You are the only one for me baby 오직 너 하나뿐인걸
오늘도 너에 뒤에 서있어 난 언제나 미소 지으며

하지 못했었던 그 말 고마웠던 너였기에
어디 있던 난 널 느껴 I`m always with you in my heart

You are the only one for me baby 내겐 너 하나뿐인걸
내게 넌 특별한걸 아는지 모르는지 묻고 싶지만
You are the only one for me baby 오직 너 하나뿐인걸
오늘도 너에 뒤에 서있어 난 언제나 미소 지으며

김형준 HEAVEN [Eng Trans]
by @chobeeSS501 @twtkr

Saying that you won't leave
Saying I am a good person
As long as I can see you, I am happy
You know you are special to me
Even though I act awkwardly, the modest you don't mind. (I am not sure about this part)
Every moment I am worried about you. Even now

You are the only one for me baby
For me there's only you
Don't you know you are special to me
You are the only one for me baby
You're the only one
Today I am also standing right behind you
I'll always be smiling

Are you eating well? Where and what are you doing?
Everyday I think about you
I know you are special to me
I'm afraid of letting you go
Being beside you is enough for me
I will always look after you
You can count on me

You are the only one for me baby
For me there's only you
Don't you know you are special to me
You are the only one for me baby
You're the only one
Today I am also standing right behind you
I'll always be smiling

I failed to say to you who I am thankful for
that wherever I am I will feel you
I'm always with you in my heart

You are the only one for me baby
For me there's only you
Don't you know you are special to me
You are the only one for me baby
You're the only one
Today I am also standing right behind you
I'll always be smiling

[Heo Young Saeng - Let It Go]

Heo Young Saeng - Let It Go

Source: Naver
Chinese Trans: 玉米的抱枕 @水之莲生许永生中文网
English Trans: slam10@SGTripleS
Pls repost with credits


(Rap)내게 무심한 듯 차갑기만 한 니 맘 난 잘 모를 것만 같아 니가 난 어려워
(RAP) Not Concern About me your cold heart like not knowing u are cruel to me

아직까지 해보고 해도 이런 여자라서 좁고 좁은 소심한 나라서 매일 돌고 돌아 계속
Till now you have tried with this kinda girl the childish me dealing it everyday

이런 내가 그런 네게 자꾸 끌려가 불안할 뿐인데 아파질 뿐인데
A person like me always been mersmerised by person like you only get insecurities and getting hurt

제발 뭐라도 말을 해봐 내게 답답하게 거짓말이라도 해봐 넌 갑갑하게
Come on no matter what you say to me even when u lie also making me depressed

-----------------------------------------

시간 따윈 없다 밀고 당기며 너를 얻기엔
No time to use efforts to get you

아쉬울 것도 없다 너 말고도 많으니
No regrets as in addition you there are more

기회는 단 한 번 더는 묻지 않아
Only one chance do not ask again

아니면 쿨하게 보내줄게
If not, please let go coolly

Just let it go let it go let it go

원래 이런 난데 모르지 않을 텐데
You only dont know I am originally like that

I just let it go let it go let it go.. oh no

망설일 필요 없어 그 까짓 거
No hesitation let's stop here

시작 조차 없다 니가 날 가지고 또 잰다면
It does not even begin to weigh you with me again

손해 볼 것도 없다 원래 혼자였으니
Nor is there any harm was originally alone

진심이 없다면 나도 줄 게 없어
If there is truly something I can not give

원래 넌 내께 아니었으니
Originally you are not even mine

Just let it go let it go let it go

원래 이런 난데 모르지 않을 텐데
You only dont know I am originally like that

I just let it go let it go let it go.. oh no

망설일 필요 없어 그 까짓 거
No hesitation let's stop here

모르겠니 모르겠니
I dont kow I dont know

강한 척 하는 말 뒤에 숨은 내 맘
I am a ruthless person behind my heart

아닌 척 가는 척
Pretending I am not

내민 손 놓치지 말란 말
Wanting to tell you not to let go of my hand

Just let it go let it go let it go

원래 이런 난데 모르지 않을 텐데
You only dont know I am originally like that

I just let it go let it go let it go.. oh no

-----------

(Rap) 너 땜에 지쳐가도 모른 척 못 본 척 그게 난 너무 아파와
(RAP) Because of you even tired also pretend not seeing not knowing making me sad

차라리 싫다면 속 시원하게 싫다고 솔직하게 가 달라고 그게 난 더 낫잖아
Rather straightforward to say you hate let me leave making me feel better

니 말이 어려워 니 맘을 모를 것 같애 모든 게 장난인지 착각해 버릴 것 같애
Hard to understand your works I cannot figure your heart illusions are all jokes wanna forget everything

조금만 마음을 열어 확실히 말해줘 뭐가 됐든 니 말에 따라줄게 난
Open your heart a little tell me exactly I will do as you say

[i want to remember]

‘I Want to Remember’
Lyrics to Royston Tan's Singapore Arts Festival film.

Remember, recall, return to a moment.
Surrender and fall, from the time of the present.
Close your eyes, if only for a while.
Retrieve the thoughts that make you smile.
Dancing in the rain in Bangkok city.
Screaming like I just don’t care.
Posting a vid with ten thousand hits my songs playing on the air.
My Grandpa
My Dad
making me breakfast, when I was just a kid.
Writing a tune, pancakes and cartoons.
Mummy taking me to school.
(Relax, recall; relax, recall)

My boxing gloves, Rock and Muay Thai all the things about the ring.
Pearly whites, a sunset and sunrise staring at the Northern Lights.
Road trips and jumping off bridges in Bali busking for change in Spain.
Being on stage, Chinese opera my walkman and cassette tapes.
(Relax, recall; relax, recall)

Chorus:
Bap‐bap‐bada‐dap‐pah
looking back to remember,
when it was better.
Bap‐bap‐bada‐dap‐pah
you can’t win all the time,
I hope you’re not trying.
Smile when the stars align
and laugh when they don’t
and walk when they won’t.
We all need a little time
remember the days
that made it okay.

[fried pickles]

6 years! 6 years damn it! you don't just forget about someone you kind of have feelings for, for 6 years! the saying goes:

"you never stop loving someone. you just stop needing them like you used to."

and its true! i don't need them like i used to! but this heart! this treacherous heart ah! Gosh. i don't know ah. heart, can you fucking make up your mind? choose one please? and let it be the right one. one where you and dear brain up there can agree on. dear brain already has his decision made. get your act together, heart! you're messing things up. plus this ALWAYS happens when... I swear. I feel so used sometimes. oh did i mention i was at burger king at airport's terminal 2. turned around. saw. heart went up to my throat. felt so nauseous i almost threw up what i just ate. i don't fucking get why its still affecting me like this. seriously.

ps: if you're reading this, don't get offended ah. i'm really just a heck care person and this isn't like what it was back then. i'm not worried so you shouldn't. i hope your friend, who was crying, feels better. it was sad to see.

but whatever. looking at you and i feel at peace. i'm swept off my damn feet and i feel like a loved up fool. nobody can take that away from me. i wish i could look forward to your every call/text as much as that but.. oh well. one day. my friends are rooting for me. i'm so happy. you make me happy. that's all there is too it. it all comes down to my happiness and i'm not throwing that away for nuts. Baby, i just declined a date from my ex crush for you. You better thank me ah! teehee. so umm.. now.. my record for never being on a date still holds. HOLLER! YB we can seriously be friends ah. forever alone people who have never been on a date. pfft whatever. not important.

yesterday me and amira talked for like... i don't know.. 3 hours? on the phone about shit load of stuff. so crazy. we can seriously talk about anything. we can't believe how similar we are. she entertains my insanity and i am beyond thankful to her for that. she's the person i turn to when i'm down in the dumps. crazy part is, she's younger than me. i usually don't get along with people who are younger than me. hahaha. so funny. i love funny people. if you can crack jokes and make me laugh, and laugh at my jokes.. you're in. i'm easy like that. it doesn't matter if somebody i know hates you. as long as i like you, its fine. anyways, we're meeting on wednesday since she said she booked me already. HAHA! this joker. i'm sure there's going to be plenty of laughter and discussions then. can't wait.

the other day i went for 2 sessions of karaoke. i tell you that was like one of the best times of my LIFE! started the day with waiting for dumb fairus to get to pasir ris and have brunch with me at Seoul Garden. we literally spent 3 hours there stuffing ourselves. he's a fun dude. then after being too full and unable to walk properly, we went upstairs. my itchy ass wanted to go karaoke with him to see how good of a singer he is. so we went and i ended up paying for both of us but heck it was worth it. he sings everything in minus 1 so you can literally hear how good or bad your voice is when singing different songs. i surprised my ass when i carried a few notes/songs. such an awesome feeling and when we had to leave i was so bummed. it felt too short! directly after that, i went to meet up with sarah cos she was feeling down and wanted to have ice kacang. went to have dessert and we debated whether we had enough funds to go for karaoke. i was singing to her face non stop. it didn't matter that my voice was already so raspy and sexy. i guess i enticed her enough and we went for karaoke. since i sang english and malay songs in the previous session, i thought this had to be all about kpop. but i was too high from the epicness of english songs ah. so when we entered and ordered our drinks, i proceeded to choose bsb's song ah just to start it off slow. then kpop was chosen and apparently we just mostly sang english songs. i'm an oldies listener so i know songs that she might've known but don't know the title so she learned a thing or two. one of the last few songs we sang was Without You by Air Supply. Gosh the high notes were such awesome things. We screamed our guts out. My heart nearly burst when I reached all those hard notes. I probably sound like shit but in my ears I was so awesome. Maybe I really have more self confidence now. I'm pretty sure its cos of you, you rascal, you. *giggles*

eh did i tell you i've been watching, or rather watched, jersey shore. well it was actually so i can join in the conversation when my other friends are talking about it. i didn't think i was going to like it when i first saw it. but i came to like it. i watched it every night. i think what made me stick was the food being featured. but trust me this show is not even close to a show about food. it can get so stressful at times but just like that it can get smoothed out. my favourite people there HAS to be THE DJPAULYD and JWOWW. Those two are like.. too awesome. Okay jwoww can get a little.. disappointing at times but she gradually gets better and i like that she's always there for her friends. She's awesome. Pauly baby.. This boy. I can't even explain how much i like him. He's funny. He's smooth. He's toned. He is beyond cute. Beyond hot. and really noisy. He's so endearing! Okay sorry i'm ranting but he is all that and more! But when he gets angry.. I'm scared for my life. He'll literally blow up. and then just like that, he's okay. He's a wonder and he is so down to earth. #djpaulydswag that's his tag. Paul "Pauly D" DelVecchio you are awesome.

OMG! I went to my first ever political rally yesterday! Mom and I went to tempah our raya clothes at geylang and then mom wanted to go to the rally at Bedok. Workers' Party if you really wanna know. The whole way there was so jammed it was messed up. Ended up dropping mom off somewhere and she entered the stadium like an excited little girl. My mom.. I don't get her sometimes. So i drove around in the hopes of getting a parking slot to park the car. Drivers were being huge mofos and never gave me a chance. I almost got banged by a damn bus and he didn't even care. Bastard. In the end i got stuck at some dead end of a parking lot. Throwing a bitch fit at the fact that I couldn't see the rally. Spent a good 10 minutes trying to get out from in between a mercedes and a volkwagen. Cursing and swearing all the way. Some nice man helped me out in the end and i managed to get out. Thankfully mom called and i went to pick her up. I WAS TALKING TO HER ON THE PHONE AND GUESS WHAT?! I GOT STOPPED BY A TP ALONG THE FUCKING WAY! JUST MY FUCKING LUCK! psst.. i forgot to on my headlights. k embarrassing. whatever. he let me off thankfully. picked mom up and we decided to go for another round of parking lot hunt. FOUND ONE and we rushed to see the last 10mins of rally. So awesome but freaky hearing people collectively shouting in agreement. the bedok stadium was packed full with people. there were ice cream ahpeks lining the outside of the stadium. bet they're having the best business day ever. people were queuing for ice cream non stop. they even upped the ante by selling the WP flag. I was feeling weird the whole time because I never thought I'd live to see propaganda everywhere and it felt like a revolution was in the making. After that, we were still high. Mom's eyes were so big, I swear she was high. She looked like a fanatic. Anyways, she suggested we go pick dad up. He works at the airport. Terminal 2. Mom wanted to eat burger and fries. Its weird. She never favoured burgers. But whatever. I was famished. I haven't eaten the whole damn day. We were having fun talking and gossiping. After that, we left. Why wasn't Breeks open?! i wanted to eat their waffle fries! its okay. there's always amira.

*chuckles* i came on just to type a paragraph of what happened today but look where it got me. so i can kinda consider this updated news of me. ehh.. come to think of it, its been ages since i went for bowling and even longer since i went for pool. I need to pick those up again instead of watching people bowl while waiting for friends and playing pool games on itouch. i remember i used to be really good at pool. not really with bowling though but i was decent. but they cost a lot. so aiyah nevermind. next time. HELLO AMIRA, IF YOU'RE READING THIS! *waves* welcome to the inside of my convoluted life. i shall be leaving you with a video of one of my favourite scenes from Jersey Shore.




"She's a good girl and you did her dirty, dawg. You better send roses to the house, feel me? ROSES, dawg! With pickles in 'em! FRIED PICKLES! *slams phone down*"

Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is the sweetest thing ever! You won't get it if you didn't watch Jersey Shore. But Nicole aka Snooki, loves pickles. She got to try fried pickles in Jersey and she likes them too. Her boyfriend was being a jerk, and she didn't want to pick up his calls. So Pauly did a few times and did a few pranks on him as well. He is such a sweetheart, I swear.

BOTTOMLINE IS!!! I love Pauly D. Not as much as I'm nuts about YOU. But Pauly D is love. FEEL ME?! HAHAHAHAHA!