apparently i couldn't post through itouch so i had to on my laptop to type this post. you know, every time i decide to post my thoughts here, things don't turn out too good the next day. since you won't be at work tomorrow, i might as well type today. work's gonna suck anyways since you're not gonna be there.
okay so yesterday as i mentioned you went for a walk with sarah. apparently you asked her what was the relationship between me and sarah. quite interested eh? lol. sarah spilled about how i'm always saying i'm tired and you took pity over me, at least from what i heard. i haven't gotten the full story yet cos sarah and i haven't had a proper talk. but today you didn't give me any job to do. freaking weird since there's always something that you need me to do. why did you have to do that? you made things so awkward when everything was going fine the day before. sigh. you actually HESITATED about asking me to file passports! WHY?! omg. have i not always followed your instructions without complains? please do not do this anymore! i'm begging you. i love work. as in i love having something to do. don't make me not do anything just cos.. i don't know. its awfully sweet of you and you're probably doing this cos sarah is your friend but PLEASE! you even asked azri "where's shikin ah?" the moment you arrived at work and entered the tracer room. you were worried that I went outside. grrr. why are you making things so hard for me? seriously. LIMERENCE!
so yeah thanks to this, i had such an awkward day. we didn't speak to each other at all. total 180 degrees turn from yesterday. hated it. but this always happens. what with your bipolar-ness. and my revengefulness when you do the whole ignoring thing. sigh. today was uneventful. tomorrow is going to be a long day. kiosk in the morning. sigh. hopefully i won't get another headache, the kiosk will all be working and my eye won't go blind on me. azri is going to be a star as always such a nice guy. plus very easy to ask help from. I NEED TO GET MORE INFO ON WHAT YOU SAID TO SARAH YESTERDAY! ITCHING LIKE HELL!
anyway, when we didn't speak just now, i actually didn't care ah. i don't know why. its like i got too tired of hoping. 3 months is a long time of trying and waiting. i think i've had enough. but i love it when you try ah. i get all smiley and shit but if you don't talk to me, i just won't talk to you. *shrugs* i'm easy. or difficult. depends on how you look at it.
oh one of the highlights of today was when Angela said that i do runner very fast. i was so proud of myself then. cos some bitch used to say that i run very slow. that brightened up my otherwise dull day. another highlight is when you were leaving for school for soccer training (after horridly shifting the A side and filing halfway, much to bernice's and my annoyance) and you actually took the time to say "bye guys. see you next week." and waved to all of us. i was tired from tracing and i couldn't believe you were personally waving to each one of us so i stared at you for a good 2 seconds before waving back. the best part was you stared back, looked me in the eye and waved at me again. that got me smiling all the way home. as always. its the smallest things that make me happy. the whole day can be shitty as hell but if it ended like that, i'd still consider it a good day.
despite being full of resentment towards the way you treated me at work, the moment you left, i missed you. your absence was felt immediately and my heart missed the sight of you, your voice and your smell. i remember tweeting "At this moment knowing I won't see you till monday, I wish I could stop hearing your voice and smelling you everywhere I go. Sigh." just this evening. because i was hearing your voice and smelling you everywhere. i swear i was going a little insane. oh by the way, sarah doesn't know i have a thing for you. whenever we talk about you, i'd act nonchalant and cool but inside i'd be dying to know, dying from jealousy or beaming with pride. amalina might notice though from the increasing frequency of our discussions about you. shall continue with my facade.
okay its almost 2am here and i have to wake up in 2.5hrs time for sahur and then probably won't sleep till its time to go to work. shit. anyways, i finally got around to downloading a twitter app for my laptop. its cool. i get how it works.. so far that is. oh and you know i've been thinking of what to get and what to write for people when i quit, which is still a long way to go. lol. i just like thinking ahead. cannot meh? lol. OKOK i need sleep.
Good night or morning people. Have a great day ahead. Happy fasting. Enjoy the weekends, for those who actually have one. *waves*
PS: I can't wait for Seoul. Approximately 47 more days! Grab somebody sexy, tell 'em hey!
boo i told mum i wanted to sleep early because i've been having a headache the whole day and i feel weak as hell. but the need to type the happenings of today down was too great and i dragged myself to on my laptop. in the end, mum caught me and she scolded and insulted me la. so yeah. i'd best type this fast and go to bed like i intended.
[news update: BITCH LANCE MENTIONED ME IN THE REPLY HE MADE TO YOU ON FB! FML!]
anyways, today i came in a little late. my head has been aching from the get go. Thank God for not being able to fast. Things would've probably turned out worst. So i arrived at work on time, as usual. Bumped into Fanny and she dragged me to the toilet to accompany her change. After that, went to tracer, signed in and I felt like shitting. Exited through the front cos I intended to go to the toilet which was the 3rd level public toilet. Damn Hendra had to see me and from the way he was staring I guess he was trying to figure out whether I went out to kiosk or not. To save him from his misery, I as usual volunteered myself to do kiosk. It turned out to be the worst decision ever cos I ended up getting half blind and getting the worst headache I have ever had in my entire life. I was beyond glad when 1230 came and it was break time.
After lunch, did a bit of tracing, you tried to tease me and I flailed over the tickets. lol. After like 30 minutes worth, I was called to cover Bernice as runner. Since I enjoy running and tracing was a little slow, I cheerfully did it. Halfway doing that, you came out, saw me and asked me what i was doing outside. I told you i was covering bernice and you went inside. A few minutes later, you came out, called me and asked me to teach Fanny how to do runner. Okay her name is Farny but I call her Fanny. You were all "shikin, can you teach, what's her name, do runner? teach her for 15 minutes then you come in." and i was all "why?" to which you replied "why not?". Fanny was all panicky. It was painful to see. But she got the hang of it slowly. You were constantly keeping an eye on me or her, whatever during the tutoring process. I was acting like a boss and you were smirking at me. LOL.
After like 20minutes and I'm back from the toilet, went back to the tracer room. Did some tracing and then you said "shikin, favour boleh? do this for me. I'm really very tired ah. filing. Everything has been arranged." I said okay, of course. Finished filing, continued tracing. At this point i already forgot what happened. HAHA! Around 3 plus almost 4 Hendra came in with papers and stacks of mylists. He was trying to figure out something. Then suddenly he turned around and said "shikin, can i trouble you with something?" I said ok. So apparently I had to fold mylists, cut them and paste them on the calendar like papers. NICE. Hendra got a chair especially for me and told everyone "don't disturb shikin ah." Cue you and azri "SHIKIN! SHIKIN!" so cute! Then there were teasing like "you're silly. seriously, what you're doing is silly." and such. Hendra tried to protect me by saying things like I come earlier than any of them or some shit. I forgot. I was concentrating too much on not fucking up Hendra's papers. -.- so my first few tries were sucky. Hendra was probably regretting even asking me to do it. Then you asked "what are you doing ah?" and came nearer to look. I said "don't look! you're making me lose concentration!" which obviously was a signal for you to come nearer. My attempts to paste the mylist to the paper failed miserably, then. She was all "you have shaky fingers..", laughed at me and went off to do something else. I got in the rhythm of it and did better gradually. You and azri were talking about Redza and his shitty behaviour. Then I said "tomorrow i do runner ah." to which you asked "why?" I said "if redza is going to be inside tracer, i'm doing runner or kiosk." Which escalated to a QnA session between the 3 of us. You were obviously delighted that someone else doesn't like Redza. You kept mentioning some stupid charity elephant. omg i didn't get that sia seriously. So I kinda told my tale ah. It was weird talking to you and it probably sounded petty but I didn't like that Redza did that to us. I was more comfortable talking to azri and the words came out more freely when i was only talking to him. You ended up saying asking me "so tomorrow you're doing kiosk?" i asked back "why?" and you just said "just do inside la." gosh your face at that moment. so pleading, i had to look away. it was almost as though you wanted me to be in the tracer room with you. I didn't think much of it, then. I guess when I said I wanted to not care, I really won't. I asked you "are you sure Redza won't be inside? can you confirm it?" to which you just sniggered. Hendra came over and and said "wow that's quite fast" referring to my handy work.
Suddenly, You came over with an extra pair of scissors and asked me how to do it. You watched me do it and proceeded to fold and cut the mylists. Then sarinah came in and asked for attachment. You volunteered but you still continued folding and cutting. I said "eh boss I thought you had to do an attachment or something?" to which you screeched in my ear "wait la! i do this first cannot isit!? i do very fast one! 5 minutes only! don't want my help ah!?" and threw the scissors on the table, jokingly i suppose. I didn't even flinch. I only said "okay. okay." and you said something about cutting my hair. -.- lame man, lame.
[INSIDER INFO: You're going for a walk with Sarah. Its 10.10pm. *excitement gone*]
You grabbed back the scissors and continued cutting. You commented "you can do 2 at a time, why are you doing one by one?" then, As a sign of defiance you threw the paper down and went to do the attachment. [author's note: pssst i know la you didn't want to be far away from me. HAHA!] I managed to finish everything without fucking up too much. After finishing those, Thiviya came in and said "SHIKINNN~!" to which i made a face. I forgot what but you laughed and said "your face ah!" which only meant one thing. you were staring/looking at me the whole time. HAHA! GOT YOU! anyways, I did a bit more tracing and then Hendra asked me to go open mail with Sathiya. We were in the middle of sorting the mail when suddenly I heard you say "shikin! tomorrow tracer only me and azri." being the bitch that I am I said "okay. why are you telling me this?" you only said "i'm just telling you la. incase you're scared or what." I said "i'm not scareddd." the whole time I only looked up to acknowledge you like once for 2 seconds. You looked kinda shy. Like you weren't even sure why you were there but you were. The whole time I was like "did you just seriously come all the way to the mailing site just to tell me that?!" I was momentarily stunned lor. But I shook it off. I only smiled like a bitch all the way home, recalling whatever happened today. I just told Lance that I'm surprised you and Fanny aren't fast friends. His answer was "boss is untouchable. boss only chooses who boss wants to be friends with". I want to agree with this because I saw the way you were when she first came in. You were sick and sitting at one corner sorting passports. Its either you like her and that's why you did that or you didn't like her OR you were just too sick. But till now I haven't seen you talking to her like azri talks to her. Maybe you do take time to warm up to people and you don't even know how much I'm grateful for that.
i guess that's all that happened today. shak and bob came over so they probably went off together. it was lance's last day and it was depressing plus the whole headache thing. Gosh.
"I don't want anyone else to realize how amazing you are."
"You're perfect in every way except for one. I could fall in love with you but doing so would be torture for I could never have that final piece."
"I am jealous. I admit. But who wouldn't be, when they see the person they love hanging out with everyone but them."
"I'm sorry. Sometimes I get jealous thinking that someone else could make you happier than I could."
i'm having sorethroat right now and I missed 3 days of work last week cos I wasn't feeling well. Now I'm sick again and.. sigh this sucks. Whatever.
anyways.. today.. today i managed to keep the promise i made to myself. that i would just stop trying and just do my thang. i didn't make small talks you, kept away from you and didn't look at you (or rather kept it to a minimum) when you looked at me. I essentially ignored you. It felt good. At some point you were looking at me, giving me bewildered looks but i just turned away. If you're not gonna try, then i'm not either. If you're gonna give me hot and cold shit, ie one day you're nice and the next you're acting like i'm invisible, then i'm not gonna bother. i'm too tired, work is too tiring.
what i don't understand is why won't you just talk to me? you talk to everyone.. every freaking one but me. is it because i'm friends with sarah? is that it? sigh. forget it. i'm done with this shit. if you finally wanna be friends, come. if not, you can just stick to your own circle. i'm just gonna mope around cos my friends are leaving me one by excruciating one. so yeah i've got alot more shit to handle without you adding to it, thank you very much.
that said, seeing you at work still makes my day. work is bleak without you. i guess i should've just stuck to looking at you from afar. oh well. i'm thinking of whether i should continue working there till december, just so i can see the old kids back again. at the same time finish the year and find a permanent job after. we'll see.
tomorrow or rather later, there's dinner with the ICA mates. We're having Mongolian baby! can't wait. i've never tried anything Mongolian before. hopefully this damn sorethroat will get better (doubt it). oh! and i'm approaching my first public holiday while working at ICA! woohoo! off on tuesday! awesome. can't wait for it.
anyways, i think i dumb and shallow. i don't think i can mix with clever/intelligent people like Jae and you and all those people yang sewaktu dengannya. i can never find anything to talk to them about, and they probably think the same about me. i like people who can keep up a conversation because I obviously can't. i'm more of a listener. oh and i love people who can make me laugh AND people who laugh at my jokes. i cannot stress that enough. but its really frustrating when they're the people i really REALLY want to get to know better. things like these make me depressed. i'll end up going home and thinking alot, blaming myself, getting upset, and then when nothing works i just give up. and that will make me even more depressed.
oh i've been watching Grey's the past 2 nights. season 6. i know. slow but whatever. callie and arizona.. omg. *melts* so SWEET! they make me feel like i need someone to love me just like that. to have someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. to love me even when i'm such a bitch. someone who loves my mind, my humor. someone who loves ME. sigh. don't mind me. i'm just depressed, deprived of love and affection and in need of a long, huge hug like freaking badly.
its 3am right now. i should be sleeping. its going to be a long day i think. and then work the next day. so i basically have no rest. but i don't really feel like i don't have a life or anything. apart from the above, i feel.. okay. at least for now. LOL. i'm weird but whatever. okay so i'll end here for today. will be back soon. wish blogger had an app or something. sigh. bye, kids. * waves*
before i start anything i just wanted to say the temp staffs at ICA have all gone awol (including me). the situation in the tracer room is out of control. the only reason i'm regretting not coming is cos of you. but then i think i should avoid people who are unavailable. oh latest update: one of the new temps who just came in yesterday was found to be pregnant and just got terminated. this day just gets better.
It has come to a point where my happiness at work is solely dependent on your presence. More accurately, dependent on whether you appear within my line of sight. So that means, I'll still be emo as fuck if you're at perso, lionheart, or info (if i'm not doing kiosk). I know its not good to depend so much on someone or something but I have not found a replacement worth my attention.
I guess I have been getting it easy, what with your previous disagreement with sarah and all. I thought that we're finally making progress. You've been smiling alot at me and we're kinda making small talks. But I was wrong. I know your previous good relationship with Sarah would some day bite me in the ass. When I first started, I thought my goal was to get you two back to being friends. If you could even call that friendship. It was definitely more than that and everybody knew it except maybe Sarah. Maybe she knows but she was just in denial and tried hard to distract herself. Maybe she didn't completely distract yourself considering how hung up she is over you. It was easier to ignore and dismiss this when I didn't know you, when I was still in love with CSH or Jae for that matter.
You and Sarah suddenly got in good terms and I am ashamed to say, I wasn't all too pleased. On the surface I was, the great actress that I am. But deep down where noone can hear me, baby I'd be crying for you. Okay that was a song. But inside, it kills me. I always told sarah I know how she felt and trust me, I do. I used to encourage her to talk to me about you. Because lets face it. Things like these are difficult to comprehend and accept. We have to have some sort of medium for us to let out our feelings. On top of that, if we're going to talk to a friend, its best if the friend knows how we feel, what we're going through and the worries that come with it, without being judgmental in the least.
I was that person. At least until I fell for you. Or at least I think I like you. A lot. I think of you every minute of every day. Your smile, your laugh, the things you say to me, how you tease me and things we've been through at work (more accurately at kiosk/info). I don't know if I fall for people easily but I've always thought I'd want my potential love interest to be friends with me first before anything. But I do know that I don't fall out of love easily and its going to take a really long time especially if that person is a person that I see everyday, that I work with day in and day out.
I've been close to giving up. Or rather told myself countless times that I should but every time I do, you'd do things that fuel my interest in you. and that could be a wide variety of things. Its hard. To always feel my heart drop when I see girls swarming all over you, when I can't come near you. Especially hard knowing you're so close to my friend, so close you could be an item. But I catch my heart before it manages to hit the floor and break into a million pieces because I'd convince myself that you don't know my feelings, so you don't know. Another thing about me. Once I like someone, I'd try to convince myself with reasons why I should continue liking them. I've read about these symptoms and what they're called. Scientists and doctors are trying to classify them as mental problems. But I don't think they'll succeed only because millions of people suffer from it. Pfft. Anyways, its even harder now that you're back as friends with Sarah. As I've heard, you two like to go on long walks together and you've revealed stuff to her that you probably won't tell anyone else. I've also heard from Sarah that you've asked her out for a walk soon (after today, i just asked sarah to go for that walk with you). I know Sarah misses you and you obviously miss her, so I'm just going to keep quiet and pretend I don't know. Pretend my heart doesn't feel like smashing into little pieces. Pretend everything is okay. Just like I've done my whole life.
Love has never been good to me and I doubt its going to get any better. But live goes on. From now on, I'll just go with the flow. I'll learn not to expect too much, not to read too much into things and just be boring old me and expect someone to miraculously see something to like in me. I hope I'll get through this without being substantially damaged. I cannot wait for the Seoul trip. But for now, I still miss you and I thank God I'm not at work today. Will wait for Clovis's live reports about the chaos at work. Cheerios.
PS: I am addicted to apple chips and I want to go eat at Carousel.
